Sunday, April 01, 2007

Amid Civilization's Ashes, A Venti Mochaccino

I just came across this highly amusing article from The Television City Chronicle:

Published: April 1, 2007

CAPRICA CITY, Caprica, 31 Ares — The skies were cloudy, the radiation levels moderate, and the cream of Cylon civilization was present in droves for the opening of the first Caprica City Starbucks.

“I always used to joke: How many planets do we have to destroy to get a decent cup of coffee around here?” said a Brother Cavil model while waiting. “Turns out it’s twelve. Who knew?”

The new location occupies a former elementary school opposite Command Line Park in Caprica City, still irradiated and partly devastated from the Cylons’ initial attack on the Twelve Colonies four years ago. Caprica City has hosted other coffee shops since the Cylons arrived, but many of them closed after becoming targets for frequent bombings by human resistance fighters.

“We already had art, and religion, and faster-than-light travel,” said a Number Five model before cutting the ribbon to open the store, “but today, we can truly call ourselves a civilization.”

“The Cylons are a ruthless species, determined to spread to every corner of the galaxy and crush all inferior competitors through robotic precision and technological superiority,” said a nervous-looking Starbucks President and CEO Jim Donald, as the Five model officiating the ceremony held a gun to his head. “Clearly, we have a lot in common.”

The new location, staffed around the clock by specially programmed Cylon Centurions, offers Starbucks’ full complement of hot and cold beverages, prepared “by your command” in deference to the native culture. For morally conscious Cylons, the store will also offer a “genocide free” line of blends, grown on planets where no preexisting human population has been eradicated.

Business was brisk during the store’s first day of fully operational status. Customers chatted in line while B0b Dylon’s “All Along the Watchtower,” a traditional Cylon favorite, played on the in-store HEAR Music system.

“Strange,” mused a Number Six model while waiting for her order. “We seek to destroy the humans, yet in replacing them, we strive to emulate their behavior, down to their addiction to caffeine. Perhaps we are not so — hey! Hey! What the frak is this? I ordered hazelnut!”

Full Article here

Be sure to poke around the site a bit. Hilarious articles regarding Stargate, Studio 60, Veronica Mars, American Idol, Prison Break and a whole lot more...

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